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Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Snow

Yesterday I drove to a friends house in the snow with no chains on my tires. I arrived safe and sound but as I drove up the snow began to fall. It fell all day long and I was subjected to feeling
stranded. I felt like I had no choices. I had no car. I tried to understand what all of it ment. Why this had happened. I tried to leave but the snow did not permit me to. I couldnt even move my car. Looking back on it now I noticed that I have many questions that need to be answered. I want to understand what it is that I really want. I am tired of making decisions based off of my instincts. I can finally think about what I truly want and where I truly want to go. I find myself always running. I find myself always moving, but really I feel like I am just sitting there as time passes me by. The people and the scenary are just a blur. I wait. I wait for it to all catch up and finally grab me by the hand to take me where I am to be. I came to a conclusion that I need to start looking at myself and find my beauty. I need to treat myself as if I am that great person who everyone is seeing. I know sometimes I can be nasty. I know that sometimes I shut down and I look like I am mad but really I am contemplating what is happening within me. I try to not take out my aggression on others and stay as calm as possible. I find that it can be hard at times becuase I am frustrated. Does anyone really understand what I am going through at this time. I see others walking the path that I am walking but they are on different sides of the track. I can wave at them but it seems like there is a river between us. The whole gay thing comes into play. I feel like I am always judged...