Yesterday I drove to a friends house in the snow with no chains on my tires. I arrived safe and sound but as I drove up the snow began to fall. It fell all day long and I was subjected to feeling
stranded. I felt like I had no choices. I had no car. I tried to understand what all of it ment. Why this had happened. I tried to leave but the snow did not permit me to. I couldnt even move my car. Looking back on it now I noticed that I have many questions that need to be answered. I want to understand what it is that I really want. I am tired of making decisions based off of my instincts. I can finally think about what I truly want and where I truly want to go. I find myself always running. I find myself always moving, but really I feel like I am just sitting there as time passes me by. The people and the scenary are just a blur. I wait. I wait for it to all catch up and finally grab me by the hand to take me where I am to be. I came to a conclusion that I need to start looking at myself and find my beauty. I need to treat myself as if I am that great person who everyone is seeing. I know sometimes I can be nasty. I know that sometimes I shut down and I look like I am mad but really I am contemplating what is happening within me. I try to not take out my aggression on others and stay as calm as possible. I find that it can be hard at times becuase I am frustrated. Does anyone really understand what I am going through at this time. I see others walking the path that I am walking but they are on different sides of the track. I can wave at them but it seems like there is a river between us. The whole gay thing comes into play. I feel like I am always judged...
Friday, December 19, 2008
Today I woke up wondering about what I am wanting and who am I? The card I picked for today is about Love, but not necessarily about romance. Love stands in our way sometimes. Love can break chains that have been shackled to our hands and feet for so long. We struggle with love at times and in the end we are victorious. We battle with demons in our heads and heart that never really are seen by other people. We fight and lose and fight again always making sure that we are in a pattern of change. We require that change to happen in order for us to understand ourselves. We need that change in order for our soul to grow. We look for the change in people around us hoping to find an answer to the questions we have, but really the answers are within us waiting to blossom. We look to a higher power to take over our lives and make things right. In reality the answers are there in front of us. God does not wait. God gives us everything we need and require, in this world, right in front of us. The two hands we look at every morning...the body that our spirit lives in...the mind that thinks when we sleep...we have all we need right in front of us. Look at all things in your life closely and wonder what that item has to give to us today. What that person has to teach us this morning or afternoon. Do not take anything for granted. In every thing that is presented to us today we will look and find that Love is required to make them work. Without love we will not be able to push that button on our coffee machine. Without love we will not be able to sing. Without love we will not be able to hate.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
There is a time in our life that we all fall. We all struggle. We all have doubt. I find it hard sometimes to keep walking. Now those who think that they are so full of Love and Light from above seem to argue about what a Spiritual Adviser is to feel. In my opinion we are still human just like everyone else. We still contain some sort of darkness inside of us, and at times we struggle with it. You see there can not be light without the dark. There can not be good without bad. You can not know how to truly heal unless you know how to hurt. It is the understanding of the two that you must figure out. We have to make a decision on if we are going to use that knowledge for good or bad. When doing Tarot Readings for people in California I could tap into their emotions and aura so easily. Here in Washington I am having a hard time just making contact with my God and spirits. At this place I feel like I have been dropped in the middle of nowhere with no map or guidence to point me in the right direction. I am to find out what I am to do and where I am to go. So I find myself writing in my journal one day at a local coffee shop and thinking that I need to document my thoughts and feelings so that someone can read it and relate. One thing I know for sure is that I will always move from one idea to the next when I write, and if you can keep up then maybe you will have some information, not advice, to give me. The student always learns from the teacher and the teacher is always learning form the student. So this day comes to an end and another approaches so that we will wake up fresh and new.